Hilarious SW Ep III condensed script

[ComicKaze]

http://ter.air0day.com/?script=revengeofthesith

This had me laughing for 5 minutes. It's a condensed version of Episode III's script with some great bits of comedy.

Wow, that really sums up everything wrong with that movie for me and for that matter, the entire prequel trilogy...after which I must sadly conclude that The Phantom Menace was actually the superior film because it made-sense and actually featured some okay dialogue delivery.

I still can't get over how disappointing Ep III was, if I can help it, I'm never watching the prequels again. They ended up as nothing but superfluous scene after pompous scene after superfluous just to show off CG and character cameos to collectively shrink the Star Wars universe, rape our childhoods, and garner record box office reciepts for bad acting.

Lucas just lost all skill as a storyteller somewhere along the way. Whatever happened to his dreams of a grand narrative? Of a new myth for the ages? To the clever blending of history and culture within the format of a classic 1930s serial adventure?

At least it makes for great writing like this script.

[Cyclone]

Basically the success of the first films allowed Lucas the freedom to do things his way, until he basically inbred the francise.

[Golden Arms]

Damn that pretty much nailed EP III!!!! Great find ComicK!! He did forget to mention how insanely impossible it would be for 2 people to conduct a fight over a bed of molten lava. You'd think that they'd atleast show the soles of their shoes melted or the charcters covered in ash. But logic and a SW film are mutually exclusive.

[lord_breetai]

Damn that pretty much nailed EP III!!!! Great find ComicK!! He did forget to mention how insanely impossible it would be for 2 people to conduct a fight over a bed of molten lava. You'd think that they'd atleast show the soles of their shoes melted or the charcters covered in ash. But logic and a SW film are mutually exclusive.

Actually there is a Star Wars novel were Luke fights lava creatures in a Volcano... apparantly a Jedi can use the force not only to deflect the lava but to keep himself cool enough to survive.

but remember... in star wars they use sonic charges in outer space.

[Golden Arms]

Actually there is a Star Wars novel were Luke fights lava creatures in a Volcano... apparantly a Jedi can use the force not only to deflect the lava but to keep himself cool enough to survive.

but remember... in star wars they use sonic charges in outer space.

I forgot about the sonic charges. Because there is so much wind in outer space to carry the sound

[phoenix01]

Thanks ComicKaze, that completely justified my not seeing this movie.

[reddsun1]

Well, there are those that would argue "George Lucas owns the rights/franchise, he can do whatever he pleases with it..."

Well George, you DID do just what you wanted with it--the original films as well as the direction of the new stories--and now they ALL SUCK! For what it's worth, I know it's wishful thinking, but I hope Batman and War of The Worlds kick the sh-t out of ep. III at the box office this summer...meh, what does it matter? G.L.'s financial future is well secured, thanks to legions of fans who'll accept sh-tty story telling and over hyped CGI as the norm...

[Anubis]

I still enjoyed the movie, but the abridged script was still quite funny.

[Flaming Guantlet]

I still enjoyed the movie, but the abridged script was still quite funny.

Ditto.

[Mr March]

I loved the movie and got a big laugh out of the condensed script

[Magnus]

That was awesome! hahah!

[Sumdumgai]

Loved the movie and found the script hilarious.

[Max Jenius]

I thought the movie was great. But how come nobody does this for the OT? I mean, the plot is just as contrived.

There were some cheap shots in there that didn't really do it for me and I'm resisting the temptation to rebutt some of the comments. Oh well, I guess the guy is just funny... I mean.. he likes Alien 3 too, so he can't be all that bad.

[Sumdumgai]

Oh well, I guess the guy is just funny... I mean.. he likes Alien 3 too, so he can't be all that bad.

To like Alien 3 you gotta be funny.

I loved the lightsaber duels in ROTS.

[Max Jenius]

But how come nobody does this for the OT?

Cheerfully withdrawn.

Episode I

Episode II

Episode III

Episode IV

Episode V

Episode VI

[ComicKaze]

Damn that pretty much nailed EP III!!!! Great find ComicK!! He did forget to mention how insanely impossible it would be for 2 people to conduct a fight over a bed of molten lava. You'd think that they'd atleast show the soles of their shoes melted or the charcters covered in ash. But logic and a SW film are mutually exclusive.

Yeah, even in Terminator 2 (the extended version at least), when T-1000 is in the molten steel factory, at one point, his feet slightly melt into the metal grating he's walking on and that's how John Connor knows he's not really his mom.

You'd think that their shoes would melt in Episode III.

I really wish something more realistic would have happened, like Anakin actually raped Padme because she totally broke his heart and made him go insane, believing that Obi-Wan was having an affair with her or something... A real reason for somebody to go mad with rage and anger and pain.

Then he fought Obi-Wan and fell into the lava out of his own pride and unrealistic belief in his abilities...and Obi-Wan couldn't reach him or end his suffering.

THEN the Emperor rescues him, turns him into Vader...and Vader summarily slaughters all the Jedi he can find out of REAL betrayal...not some stupid order 66 directed to Clones who can't shoot straight and who's combined firepower is (as the script noted) less than all the droids in Ep II.

[Shadow Skull]

Also enjoyed watching Episode 3 but the condensed script was funny.

I would like to say that maybe Lucas should have switched the order that Darth Maul and Count Dooku show up. Or for that matter, Lucas maybe should have had Darth Maul survive and never introduce Count Dooku to begin with.

[Sumdumgai]

Also enjoyed watching Episode 3 but the condensed script was funny.

I would like to say that maybe Lucas should have switched the order that Darth Maul and Count Dooku show up. Or for that matter, Lucas maybe should have had Darth Maul survive and never introduce Count Dooku to begin with.

But Dooku got to force lightning Anakin and force throw him into a wall!

The only amount of force stuff Maul did was throw a box at a door control so they could go into the giant bridge place filled with glowy pillars.

Although Darth Maul's death was reaaaaally lame. I've hated it since I first saw it. It would have been better if Obi-wan cut him in half vertically on his jump up.

[Ladic]

http://ter.air0day.com/?script=revengeofthesith

This had me laughing for 5 minutes. It's a condensed version of Episode III's script with some great bits of comedy.

Wow, that really sums up everything wrong with that movie for me and for that matter, the entire prequel trilogy...after which I must sadly conclude that The Phantom Menace was actually the superior film because it made-sense and actually featured some okay dialogue delivery.

I still can't get over how disappointing Ep III was, if I can help it, I'm never watching the prequels again. They ended up as nothing but superfluous scene after pompous scene after superfluous just to show off CG and character cameos to collectively shrink the Star Wars universe, rape our childhoods, and garner record box office reciepts for bad acting.

Lucas just lost all skill as a storyteller somewhere along the way. Whatever happened to his dreams of a grand narrative? Of a new myth for the ages? To the clever blending of history and culture within the format of a classic 1930s serial adventure?

At least it makes for great writing like this script.

LOL

[Majestic]

The ending of that condensed script is classic.

[Max Jenius]

I still can't get over how disappointing Ep III was, if I can help it, I'm never watching the prequels again. They ended up as nothing but superfluous scene after pompous scene after superfluous just to show off CG(read: special effects) and character cameos to collectively shrink the Star Wars universe, rape our childhoods, and garner record box office reciepts for bad acting.

Lucas just lost all skill as a storyteller somewhere along the way.

Read what he has to say about the OT.

[Mr March]

But how come nobody does this for the OT?

Cheerfully withdrawn.

Episode I

Episode II

Episode III

Episode IV

Episode V

Episode VI

Hahahaha! These are fantastic. I love the opening to Return of the Jedi

DARTH VADER

So, looks like our DEATH STAR is

becoming operational again. Glad to

see we still kept the ridiculous

name.

Brilliant!

[Mr March]

OMG!!! This is so funny! I love it!

BILLY DEE WILLIAMS

I will now pull down my mask. This

serves no actual purpose here in

Jabba's palace, and I am doing it

solely for the audience. How long

have I been here anyway? Couldn't I

just have shot JABBA by now?

I must admit, I never thought of that one. Hahahaha.

[zeo-mare]

utterly funny stuff, a great find

chris

[Hurin]

I still can't get over how disappointing Ep III was, if I can help it, I'm never watching the prequels again. They ended up as nothing but superfluous scene after pompous scene after superfluous just to show off CG(read: special effects) and character cameos to collectively shrink the Star Wars universe, rape our childhoods, and garner record box office reciepts for bad acting.

Lucas just lost all skill as a storyteller somewhere along the way.

Read what he has to say about the OT.

Hehe, yep, he's rips on each of the movies. But he really seems to reserve his real venom for the prequels. The level of ridicule reaches a whole new level whenever he refers to the prequels from within an Original Trilogy script.

He also seems to hate Return of the Jedi too. I like this guy.

[Roy Focker]

I knew about this for over a week.

[MSW]

LOL, now that is how it should hgave been done

found this on some writers blog, pretty much sums up my feelings on the special editions and prequels:

But really, was there any way that the prequels could have approached the original trilogy for dramatic impact? No. And here’s why: The prequels are completely unnecessary. Does knowing exactly why Anakin embraced the Dark Side broaden your understanding of Darth Vader’s character in the original three? Does having the exact nature of Anakin’s and Obiwan’s previous relationship add depth to their rematch on the Death Star? Does having the adoptive processes for Luke and Leia finally give context to the revelation of their siblinghood? No. It’s all hanger-on material, backstory that is at best interesting, but in no wise essential for the telling of the main story — you know, the part that Lucas decided to tell when he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to tell all of it.

[Anubis]

  EMPEROR

            Excellent. Now, I've been thinking..

            we can turn Mark to the dark side.

            This would result in two sets of a

            6- comic book miniseries in which he

            goes to the dark side to beat me,

            but the first 5 issues are all plot

            establishment and the last issue

            ends anti-climactically.

[Max Jenius]

LOL, now that is how it should hgave been done

found this on some writers blog, pretty much sums up my feelings on the special editions and prequels:

But really, was there any way that the prequels could have approached the original trilogy for dramatic impact? No. And here’s why: The prequels are completely unnecessary. Does knowing exactly why Anakin embraced the Dark Side broaden your understanding of Darth Vader’s character in the original three? Does having the exact nature of Anakin’s and Obiwan’s previous relationship add depth to their rematch on the Death Star? Does having the adoptive processes for Luke and Leia finally give context to the revelation of their siblinghood? No. It’s all hanger-on material, backstory that is at best interesting, but in no wise essential for the telling of the main story — you know, the part that Lucas decided to tell when he didn’t know if he’d ever be able to tell all of it.

Makes perfect sense to me. The OT by itself is just pretty standard fare. . . only in space.

Also what's wrong with michichlorions? I know there are tons of M7 haters out there that totally HATE spiritia... a mystical type "force" if you will in Macross. They claim to be all for "scientific and realistic" expainations for things. So GL comes up with one and doesn't even DIRECTLY tie it to the force itself, but rather makes it a connection of sorts... and people poo bricks. *Sigh* Maybe if X-wings transformed and the Death Star was brought down by Princess Leia singing Darth Vader and Padme's favorite song. . .

Luke could fly into the DS and the Emperor would be like; "MIDICHLORIOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNSSSS!!!" as Luke shot his face off.

[myk]

"HAYDEN CHRISTENSEN

You underestimate my power to

decide not to jump to the low ground

in front of you where I will be able

to safely continue duelling, but to

instead try to jump all the way over

you and get my sh@t cut off!"

I love Star Wars and I enjoyed Episode 3, but I have to say that this shortened script is absoloutely hilarious and sadly displays George Lucas' inability to write a solid story or create a truly respectable work of film...Sorry George!

Um...Does this guy write for MAD magazine?

Edited June 19, 2005 by myk

[Sundown]

Also what's wrong with michichlorions? I know there are tons of M7 haters out there that totally HATE spiritia... a mystical type "force" if you will in Macross. They claim to be all for "scientific and realistic" expainations for things. So GL comes up with one and doesn't even DIRECTLY tie it to the force itself, but rather makes it a connection of sorts... and people poo bricks.

Yet many of the same folks hate the Spiritia element in M7 not because it relies on the mystical, but because it attributes something that is rather mysterious-- love, emotion, music-- to some made up energy, and then quantifies it as something near-physical, pseudo-scientific, and can actually be empirically measured.

Just like how they take issue to midiclorians.

Plus those that hate on M7 for its mystical elements hate it not because they dislike all things not "scientific and realistic" in principle. They just dislike that sort of thing in their Macross, which had previously established an internally coherent universe in which such mysticism is either non-existant or extremely subdued. It contradicted in style what came before it.

Just like how they might take issue to midiclorians.

The Force had previously been a vague and mystical force that just "was" transformed into something slightly less abstract and more pysical with Ep. 1's pseudoscientific technobable.

If Tolkien's son were to write a "sequel" asserting that all the magic in the LOTR trilogy was due to alien genetic manipulation, and that such manipulation resulted in the abilities to perform feats that seem "magical", Tolkien fans would be rightfully outraged.

-Al

[eugimon]

heh... a fun read, thanks!

[Max Jenius]

The Force had previously been a vague and mystical force that just "was" transformed into something slightly less abstract and more pysical with Ep. 1's pseudoscientific technobable.

But much of SW is based on pseudoscientific technobabble. Additionally, it is never fully explained.

It isn't like Tolkien's kids doing anything, its like Tolkien himself coming up with that. Plus midichlorions are a pretty minor part of the story as a whole.

Anyhoo, there are plenty of SW threads to discuss this in.

[Sundown]

But much of SW is based on pseudoscientific technobabble. Additionally, it is never fully explained.

But the Force had been kept as largely abstract and mystical in the films for over 20 years. Then Lucas felt the need to make it all hip-pseudoscientific-like, with a discription that, like you say, actually explains all of nothing-- which is precisely the problem. Midiclorians were injected only to make the Force seem scientific and empirical, and thus only served to wear away at the original presentation of the Force while adding nothing in return. Except as a silly plot device for Qui-gon to determine that Anakin is "The One".

It isn't like Tolkien's kids doing anything, its like Tolkien himself coming up with that. Plus midichlorions are a pretty minor part of the story as a whole.

I mentioned Tolkien's kids only because he's not in any capacity to write LOTR sequels himself. And if did actually do what was described, it would be just as abominable, if not more so. Yeah, thankfully midiclorians were largely ignored through the second and most of the third movie. Well there was that brief mention about how Anakin was made, but I just shrugged as thought "Whatever." The idea that he was "made" by the Sith is slightly interesting though.

-Al

[Black Valkyrie]

Anyway guys I thinking to retire from the SW franchise, thanks to Lucas for that after watcting the prequels it gave a different meaning to OT and always Lucas said the story story WHAT story Lucas ?! and that producer guy Rick said the same thing over and over. Sometimes it was better not to make the prequels, the SE was enough.